Pica

Dear Dami,

How are you doing? Hope all is well with you? If so, Glory be to God… 

You remember the single line the English teacher would always have us start our letters with, yea? Well, I can't help but laugh at how irrelevant it is now but it is what it is.

Picking up my pen from the basket of love, no!! I would rather send you a basket of flowers along with this letter. It's been longer than forever not speaking to you(I know you're not a social media person but I'd love to read your chats often) and today is the umpteenth time I'm reminiscing about all the wonders we made together in childhood—I'm teary right now(maybe a little too excited as well).

I should write to you often so this depression doesn't have it fill out of me. Do you remember how we made golden morn out of your biscuits? Of Course you do, you were always proud of its taste. How I beg your mum with tears not to flog you for catching you out of school because you sneaked out to get mango for me to stop me from craving chalk…

Yes! I still crave chalk and many other weird things at the wrong time but let's start on an interesting note. I really want to give you a big hug now, I see your pictures online and you look so good in that lab coat.

Four years ago we promised each other to study medicine and surgery, to find solutions to many weird things people go through like mine. I know it was out of your love for me and we were probably meant to paint the world together, at least that's what friendship means to us.

Look at how fate threw us apart, I didn't get admitted and you got medicine and surgery. Your parents relocated from this state and it's been 3 years of not seeing you, sad right—I'm making that funky face you make to prevent tears from falling, don't laugh at me…

My compulsive eating of things without nutritional value has hiked, dust still appeal to me, I want to soak ash in water and drink  like soda, pebbles taste sweet. I'm licking pebbles right now, I need enough motivation and concentration to write to you—don't yell at me,I'm trying hard.

The last 3 years have been depressing, I'm yet to get admission into the University with the entirety of the good grades I possess. Thank God for remote jobs and my love for writing, atleast I get to do something with my time and get paid. Mum scolds me for putting out too much sad content on my page. I'm not wrong for despising the partial nature of life, am I? I recently jumped on a philosophy called, "Amor fati—the love of fate", how we should learn to accept what is and what we can't be changed. I'm yet to gather the strength to follow that philosophy though.

Don't give me that look, I know I always learn new stuff and give excuses for not doing them—I haven't changed one bit(I'm laughing at myself right now).

It's enough calamity that I'm a sickler cell patient, must I eat grass too? Sometimes I'm angry at dad and mum; though they bribe me with enough food and drink(okay! not bribery, they just want me to have enough nutrient and stop craving pebbles), most times I'm angry at myself(I'm too big and intelligent to be soooo vulnerable), other times I blame fate, life, God(Don't panick! I still believe God, afterall I'm a living sickle cell patient, it's no small feat).

I still picture myself as a doctor, I want to save the world with you, Dami—I try not to be delusional though, maybe I should just be a melancholic writer and rest.

Well, I know that I struggle with Pica because I'm a sickle cell patient but who else struggles with this disgraceful craving? I did a little study, you know how curious I can be.

Pica being an unusual craving for things that isn't food and doesn't have nutritional value can be due to stress or anxiety, sickle cell anemia, nutritional deficiency, mental health condition, pregnancy, certain medications, etc. It feels good knowing I'm not the only one cursed with this plague(it's not like I'm excited to know people suffer). Sometimes, life just brings out the worst in us.

Wait a minute! How did I forget to tell you I started therapy? Mum got me a therapist, the doctor recommended her. Well, the main form of treatment for Pica is therapy—mild aversive therapy(it involves using consequences to teach people to avoid non-food items), behavioural therapy(it involves teaching coping mechanisms to help curtail cravings), differential reinforcement(focusing on other activities to avoid Pica).

Yes, it's a lot, you should look it up too. My therapist tries her best. My first 2 years without you were the worst, I ate whatever I felt like eating, be it ice, ash, chalk or sand. Mum locked me up in my room for the best of my days, she feared I might develop some serious illness from the silly things I consumed. I hated her and dad for the longest time—I know I shouldn't because they love me. 

The third year, which was last year, mum got me this therapist, I hope to be completely recovered soon, she's a friendly woman, I love to talk to her because she listens to me. I told you earlier that I was licking pebbles despite the therapy, don't scold me atleast pebbles is less harmful than chalk and ash.

Dami! Why did the universe conspire to cause me pain? Imagine me licking pebbles in the University—maybe I didn't get admitted to save me from disgrace. I stay in my room for the better part of everyday, I've got no friend nor sibling to chat with, dad and mum try to make out time from their busy schedule to know how I'm fairing. I have considered suicide for the best of times but each time I remember mum's word, how she keeps reminding me that I'm too intelligent to be irrelevant and that I've survived all my health crisis till now for a reason. I'm depressed, yes!—I'm trying my best not to mess this paper up with tears, you shouldn't either.

It sucks! I know I shouldn't be sending a letter at this time but the nostalgia of how we wrote letters in school wouldn't let me pass. So here! I write to you a letter just to fill you in on the three years of my life you've missed.

I'd be very excited to read your reply.

With love,

Julie.

Writer Details:Elizabeth Adaji✍️

Location:University Of jos,plateau State,Nigeria🇳🇬.

Elizabeth Adaji is a 300 level medical laboratory science student in the University of Jos, she's a story writer, copywriter, virtual assistant. She reviews resumes as well. She's passionate about impact, volunteering and public health. Her values are faith, ambition, resilence and perseverance.